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Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
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10:47 pm
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I should of known. Me and Brandon are done with already. Its sad cause I lost a great friend but other than that I dont care.
This was oneeeee crazy weekend , atleast Friday anyway.
I spent the night at Heathers with Diana and Alisha and Xan and then X, Isaiah, Darren, Jason, Jeff, Frankie, and Dennis. Most everyone was smokin up and drunk of their ass but I didnt really participate in that, I felt mad gooooofy just from the environment though and I ended up messin around with someone 2. AND IT WAS NOT X, I cant believe I ever liked him, hes pitiful! I messed with someone who is actually sexy and we didnt really do much of anything though, but he did leave a HUGE ASS hickey on me but its fading quick, thank god. I haven't had a hickey since like 9th grade cause Im usually smart about lettin people leave evidence but it felt good so I was like O WELL.
I went out car shoppin with my parents all day today so I had to wear my hair down, first time in like forever, hah.
We looked at some realllllll nice cars, I better not get stuck with this one my parents really wanted to get for me, I dont like it. The only thing I like about it is that it has a 6 disc CD changer, but the color, the style and all that doesnt do anything for me. I test drove this really nice Mitsubishi and a Mustang, there are possibilities of gettin one of the 2 but they arent very high. I also saw a real nice 2002 Toyota corola, I liked it a lot, maybe I'll get that, but watch me get the one car my parents like the most that I dont like, I better not!! But hey, a cars a car and the sooner I get it the better.
Welllll tomorrow is gonna be my school work day since Ive been actually havin maddddd fun this weekend so Im bout to go 2 bed cause Im real tired anyway.
HoLLa!
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(love me)
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| Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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4:23 pm - Quick update to keep my account active
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Its been so long. I just have no time to write in this, no desire either.
Lets see...what has happened.
I went out with Anthony (x) after liken him for who knows how long. Then I got sick of him and just wasnt feelin the whole thing so I broke up with him last Friday.
Then on Sunday me and my ex Brandon got back together. Some people told me "its about time" and others told me "what are you thinking."
I just didnt feel anything with Anthony anymore and with Brandon we have the potential to have something real, he could be my boyfriend and best friend but we will see what happens. Im not gonna stress it.
I have a lot of work to do this week for school.
I go to FL next wednesday for the band spring trip, holla!
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(love me)
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4:23 pm - Sooooo long
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Its been so long. I just have no time to write in this, no desire either.
Lets see...what has happened.
I went out with Anthony (x) after liken him for who knows how long. Then I got sick of him and just wasnt feelin the whole thing so I broke up with him last Friday.
Then on Sunday me and my ex Brandon got back together. Some people told me "its about time" and others told me "what are you thinking."
I just didnt feel anything with Anthony anymore and with Brandon we have the potential to have something real, he could be my boyfriend and best friend but we will see what happens. Im not gonna stress it.
I have a lot of work to do this week for school.
I go to FL next wednesday for the band spring trip, holla!
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(love me)
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| Monday, February 17th, 2003
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9:03 pm - OH GOSH
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Mannnn...why is it when I'm finally about to start goin with someone who I think it might really work with another guy has to come in the picture.
Nobody new...just Lucas but Im sayin...ugh!! Haha
He stopped by tonight and I went out with him cause he need to run and get somethings and yah everything jus clicked and we were just gettin along really well. And he was like, "Im gonna come by more often."
10 minutes before Lucas stopped by I was talkin to Anthony (X)and he called up this one girl with me on 3 way so he could call all things off with her and I could hear it, cause he wanted to prove it to me cause he wants to ask me out this week. And I was perfectly happy with this but then Lucas came over...goodness!
Ant snuck in on Friday night at like 12 and we chilled till like 4. That was sum scary shit but we didnt get caught :-D We jus watched Tv MOST of the time but yah, Ill admit there was another hour makeout session, a little more than the first time but nothing big, I'm being good.
But anyways, I dont know what to do. Im probably gonna still go with Anthony but with Lucas comin by and stuff he will be on my mind also :(
To be honest with you, it would make more sense to be with Lucas. Hes got a car and a job so he can actually take me out AND my parents are cool with him so we'd actually be able to date without hiding it.
Ant doesnt have a car and stuff but he does live right down the street and goes to the same school so we see eachother everyday. Going to the same school can be both a pro and a con.
But anyways I dont have a lot of time to get way into detail with a bunch of stuff but yah, despite the weather, I had a great weekend. I have one more day of driving and thats tomorrow, test day, Im scared!
Rob always trys to "run game" now and say all this nice stuff to me after he went off and said all that other stuff (which I think I wrote about b4, cant remember).
I didnt think Carvis liked me a lot still but after Valentines Day I found out, that yes, he does still wanna get with me and hes so sweet so I feel really bad that Im bout to hook up with someone else but Im sayin, what can ya do?
Well I feel a little bit better to get some of this stuff out, Id write more but Joe Millionaire is on...
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(love me)
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| Monday, February 10th, 2003
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6:36 pm
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I have absolutely no inspiration to write in this. My heart feels heavy and my mind is cloudy....
I cant stand people. People are so mean and ignorant and freakin racist 2. Get over yourselves and stop judging people cause you just make yourself look ignorant.
I use to not be one of those girls who said "guys are such jerks, guys are dick, ect." But now thats how I feel. Nobody has given me any reason not to think that. Dickheads! Hah.
Brandon continued to make me mad to the highest extent last night. I found out Rob likes to joke on people for datin white girls and then say he would neverrrrrrr date a white girl or mess with one.
Okay...if you wouldnt, then you wouldnt. Its actually not very safe to say that cause you never know what will happen but Im sayin people have their own preferences and thats fine, different things work for different people. But if you know you messed with a white girl then why say you never would, stupid liar. That is so disrespectful and I look down on Rob so much now. Its as if you are sayin white people are below black people therefore you have to deny anything with them. That makes me soooooooooo mad.
Me and Heather were talkin bout him and that whole thing today and she was like I SHOULDA KNOWN! Cause she has a class with him and she said in class they are buddy buddy and laughin and jokin and talkin. Then when she trys to talk to him in the hall or sumthin he jus does the "whats up" thing with his head and doesnt talk to her and stuff. Rob must think theres something wrong with talkin to white girls when there are people to witness it so fuck him. Ugh.
Valentines day is on Friday. YAY! Not really... who needs valentines day when all guys are assholes.
I did my first day of on the road today. I did pretty good but I was real nervous. Im sure it will get harder as the week goes on :-/
Oh yah, Ring Dance was straight. I had fun but Im glad its over with cause now I dont hafta talk to Patrick anymore, yuk. Haha, Im so mean, but Im sayin, hes ... blah.
But anyways....
I wish I didnt go to Denbigh. Me and my friend Ashely were talkin bout it and the whole school is segregated and racist. Most of the white people dont like black people and most of the black people dont like the white people. Why cants people get over themselves and not be such asses. Im so disappointed in people, ugh.
Im really tired for some reason today.
Im out.
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(love me)
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| Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
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10:49 pm - Not tired
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Im not tired so decided why not update.
Im not suppose to be on the computer cause I got in trouble. But thats fine with me, thats an easy punishment, no computer, haha, OH NO HOW HORRIBLE :-P They were gonna take the phone away but never that, I would die.
Anywaysssssss wut has been goin on....
Last Monday I chilled with Anthony (X). We've known eachother since the 6th grade and ever since like the 9th grade I've liked him. We made out for like an hour or so. Haha, didnt expect that to happen but ya know...
It was very intense ... like WOAH. I dont even know how to describe it. Ever since then we have been talkin on the phone. He calls me everyday. When he called the first time I was like okay hes jus tryin to get more outta me ya know but Im sayin, he calls everyday, last night we even talked from 10 to 4 in the morning so ya knowwww.
He said hes never enjoyed kissen anyone as much as he did with me. He said thats all he thinkg about allll day long. He always says "u got me". Haha.
Kristy is like obsessed with him. She calls him 20 times a day but he dont pick up the phone. Shes gonna be soooooo mad when she finds out me and him are talkin and stuff.
I wasnt gonna go 2 ring dance but I went to the mall today and we were tryin on dresses jus for fun and I found one I liked. And I was like I would get this if I had anything to wear it 2 and everyone was like U DUMMY, RING DANCE. Sooooo I finally gave in and Im goin. I put the dress on hold and me and my Mom are goin to get it tomorrow.
Im goin with Patrick Mckinley...we will probably have fun together...
Lets seeeee....nothin has really been goin on besides all this Anthony stuff which is really weird...but hey...no1's complaining. We're bonding :) Haha. And we click very well with the whole kissing thing cause I have never kissed someone LIKE THAT LIKE THAT.
Yepppp...
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(love me)
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| Sunday, January 26th, 2003
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6:43 pm
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The superbowls on, but I dont watch football :-P
I'm so mad we hafta go 2 school tomorrow, it was suppose to be an off day, ugh.
I talked to Brandon last night from like 1 to 4:30. That boy has made me madder than anybody else in the world but we let a lot of things go. I think we are going to become very good friends. Hes a really cool guy and sweet 2, I jus use to say horrible things about him because he would make me sooooooooo mad. But yah, we are gonna make great friends, really! Hah.
He said a lot of sweet things to me but it wasnt the same like when he use to. When he use to say stuff Id be like okay hes jus tryin to get with me and stuff but he said it in an honest friend kinda way and it jus made me smile so big and think awww Brandons a great guy. And no I dont like him, but like I said I think we are gonna be come very tight which is awesome :-D
One thing he said to me was,"I dont understand how such a funny,silly,nice,sweet,goofy girl can be all those good qualities plus so cute." I was like awww that is so nice. WUT CAN I SAY! Haha, lemme stop.
But yah, I re-painted my room and stuff. It looks really nice, I like it :)
Anyways, I really dont have much to say.
Jus wanted to update cause if you go 2 long without doing it livejournal deletes your account, and even though I havent really written in it much lately I dont want it to get deleted :( Hah.
Well I'm out.
HoLLa !
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(love me)
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| Tuesday, January 14th, 2003
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9:02 pm
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If you could look past the things that distinguish me, the things that caught, or perhaps didnt catch your eye, you would see the real me.
current mood:  frustrated
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(1 thought | love me)
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| Monday, January 13th, 2003
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8:37 pm - Good day.
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Since my last journal entry was so negative I jus wanted to add something positive.
Today was a good day.
No particular reason, it was jus good.
I'm a happy girl, haha.
Its jus, on a bad day, things seem A LOT worse than they really are, even though I'm still mad over it all, everything will be okay ;-)
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(love me)
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| Sunday, January 12th, 2003
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9:24 pm - Worst sunday everrrrr.
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I know I never really write in this anymore, and I doubt anyone even reads it anymore but I dont care cause I jus hafta ramble.
On friday , Derrick R. was all over me and he made me want him so bad. Then today Brandon told me Derrick said somethin really bad about me. We argued for like a hour and I tried to get it outta him but he wouldnt tell me.
It seems like Brandon ALWAYS does everything in his power to make me mad and I always let him get 2 me.
I almost think Derrick didnt even say anything at all cause hes not that type of person and plus Brandon likes to play with peoples mind. So IM very very very MAD WITH BRANDON and very very SAD over the whole Derrick situation.
My sister went back to college today and before she left we argued for a good span of 2 hours over something very stupid.
It was the first time I cried in a while. But I cried like 3 or 4 times.
And the whole Brandon convo happened after all this so I was already hurt and stuff so it was even easier for him to get to me and I got so mad over that situation I almost cried again, but I didnt.
I talked to a few friends about it but its hard to explain exactly why you get so upset over things. No one else is there but you and no one else knows everything you're thinkin but u so its hard for me to try and talk to someone about it. I feel like half the time no one understands me at all.
I love my friends to death but the only person you know will always be there is YOURSELF. I am the only person I can only count on, Im not sayin nothin bad about my friends. Cause I have some great friends that I love and I know the feelings mutual but they dont always understand and they cant always be there. So I always hafta be true to myself cause after all, when it all comes down to it, I'm always me.
This probably makes no sense but o well fuck it.
Jillian jus IMed me and was like I have something to tell you. And shes connectin with me right now so she can send me a convo she had with Brandon.
Here comes so more anger.
Ughhhhhhhhhh.
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(love me)
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| Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
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9:46 pm - Long, long time
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I never feel like writen in this no more.
I dont even know where I left off and what is up.
No guys in the life...by choice.
Been considering stuff with Carvis cause we get along really well and I know he really likes me and things would probably work out, but I dono...?
Talkin to Rob right now, haha. Hes an idiot, I dont think me and him are ever gonna get together again tho like that ONE time in August. Its tempting, but no...I dont wanna get myself into trouble.
Im chillen with Courtney on Friday, old best friend from middle school, she goes to Woodside. She says we have alot of catchin up to do...haha, it will probably be interesting.
Did New years eve stuff last night at Heathers with Alisha and Lindsay, and Diana, and Brit and Tracy and some other annoying girl whos not my friend named Ember.
It was alot of fun tho, we didnt do nothin special, jus chilled, acted stupid, had lots of fun, and stuff.
Didnt go to sleep till like 6 and then woke up at 8, Im feelin kinda tired. We went to the mall later, like at 4. Didnt get nothin even tho I have like 120 and I never have money.
I think Im gonna paint my room tomorrow so I can put all my new bed stuff on it that I got for Christmas. Im either paiten it green or light blue, both of them will match good :)
I have so many projects to do, I am gonna die. I havent touched one school thing all break, Ive jus been like F it.
Who knows when I will do it, I dont have much time tho.
Ive had alot of fun this break jus chillennnnnn, ya know.
Haha.
Well ok.
Im out, ya heard.
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(1 thought | love me)
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| Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
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4:27 pm
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Its been awhile since I wrote in this.
We finally got rid of the old incredibly slow computer and have our new one back now, and it works perfect, its about time!
Good thing I dontn have an interesting life...haha, I dont even have anything to really catch up on. Jus been chillllllllen.
Ive been sick since Thursday. Still am! But Ive been goin 2 school, its torture. I cant breath, I cant talk, I always have a headache, WHEN IS THIS GONNA GO AWAY!
But anyway...Lucas stopped by last night. He jus always thinks he can come and pop back up in my life anytime he wants!! Haha...nah, its cool, I mean we are friends so its good that he stopped by. Atleast that shows he had me on his mind, haha :-D But yah...
Im gonna go.
I should be writen more frequent now, like before.
Byeeeeeeeee
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(love me)
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| Monday, November 18th, 2002
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5:25 am
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I'm about to start my science project...yay for me.
But anyways...
Not much is going on...?
Still talk to my "friend" everyday. Things are pretty good with that because even though I do like him Im startin to be able to talk to him as jus a good friend and not really stress things.
This other boy...lets call him...RD, well stuff happened over the summer. And I didnt think that would really change anything cause we r jus friends or whatever. But now I always think about him and find myself gettin really happy when I talk to him at school and thinking things like..."Damn he is sooooo hot." He never looked as good 2 me as he has been recenetly...
And Derrick,my ex from last yr, that I kinda liked at the beg. of this yr,talks to the boy that I talk to everyday and always tells him to ask me all this stuff. He wants to "hit that." WE DONT EVEN TALK! What is he thinking. I do always look at him tho, he looks so good. We have soccer conditioning tomorrow (yay!) and he has track so maybe Ill catch up with him then. No...hes not going to "hit that" I jus miss him thats all :)
And oh yah...me and Laura got in a fight today at lunch...kinda. It ended with me sayin "ok maybe I should go now (and laughing because it wasnt a big deal to me" but then she goes "yah maybe you should" and I was like no she didnt so I was like "ok fuck you" and she was like "fuck you 2" and then I said "no fuck you" I was mad but yet only half serious, shes jus so annoying and blows things outta porportion (sp?)...ugh...
Then she tells Allie Ive changed because "Im mean to her and that I hang out with other people." Ok sorry, I am the same Jessica...its jus she annoys the hell outta me sometimes so Im mean 2 her...thats not me chaning its jus me bein real. UGH...and she said Im gonna get myself into some shit with these new friends...Ok, she knows none of them and besides that who is she to judge me and say what Im gonna do? Ugh!!! I jus shrug that of tho...shes a hyprocrit and fake so wut do I care.
And she reads this 2...so whatever...now u know the deal.
But anyways...Im gonna go be productive now...
;-)
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(love me)
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| Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
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9:44 am - "I have to stop callin you because Im really startin to like you."
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Thats what "he" said to me. Thats what I didnt wanna hear because if I didnt hear it, I wouldnt hafta face the truth. I jus wanted to keep talkin to him like a friend even though I knew I liked him...but it always gets worse once you actually hear the words...then its like you hafta face the truth. Ugh....
It wont work...
Theres 2 MAIN reasons along with many others...but these are the 2 that matter the most...
We wont have a real relationship...WHY??
Hes young...he cant drive, I cant drive, therefore we cant see eachother. I also dont ever see him in school cause hes in aviation so there ya go...I will never see him. And the way Ive been lately...hahaha...I wont be able to handle that.
Then hes black. Does this matter to me? NO! I really dont care...not the least bit, but I cant deny the fact that YES my Dad does care and YES it is quite hard always havin to sneak around. And if he could drive, or I could drive, I wouldnt care, we could still see eachother but since we cant it wont work cause its not like he can come over my house and chill cause of my RETARDED FATHER...
Speakin on that subject...me and my Dad get along pretty well now. We havent argued in the longest time but there always is the race thing holdin me back from that. Its jus so stupid to me! And I hate it, theres nothin I can do about it.
I need to tell "him" about that 2, he probably wont care but he has the right to know...
So anyways...I cant like him. We will never be able to have a real relationship, he calls me everyday...but I need to SEE him everyday and that wont happen. Maybe in March when I have my license...but will we really still be interested in eachother then?? I dono...
And oh yah...another problem...its kinda messed up but it doesnt really bother me as much as it bothers him...Carvis is his best friend.....
So ok...I like him...Ok...Im admitin it to myself but as far as lettin other people know? I might jus keep my mouth shut for now cause Im so confused.....
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD...there is something wrong with me....Ive always liked guys alot and stuff, been "boy crazy" as people would call it but now I want sex. Hahaha, Im sorry, but I do....I HAFTA BE STRONG...cant give in!!! Cause yah...its bad...I want...NEED...hafta have some dick. Haha, that is soooo vulgar!
But yah, another thing, as of today NO MORE CUSSIN. Im tellin everyone who hears me cuss to hit me , pinch me, hurt me in some way so I will stop. I think if I go through a whole week of no cussin I will break the habit.
So yah...Im very confused...
And this is no joke...I have feelins for him that I havent had in a long time...I said I liked both...hm...who are the most recent people, Lucas, Brandon, and Carvis alot but they didnt give me this feelin. All I hafta do is think of something he said and I will smile...
With Carvis it was cool cause we talked about anything and everything and I always said what I was thinkin no matter how dumb and stupid it would be. I felt completely comfortable around him, held nothin back but the thing that was missin was a sexual attraction. Haha...he seemed like a brother to me or something along those lines...
With this guy...the sexual attraction is def. there...haha...mosttttt def. But we also get along as friends really well 2 so it makes me feel this way, real strong or w/e....But once again, referin to the top...it would never work.
WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT? Im happy...but why? Sure I like him , he likes me ... but nothin can come of that why be happy?
O well...no sense is bein sad.
Im hyper today...haha, yah...
All my entrys are about guys...DO I EVER HAVE ANYTHING ELSE ON MY MIND?? Yes...honestly I do...its jus easy for me to write about...I have a passion for it, haha. Ok...
I need to do my science project stuff, its due next period...
~*1*~
haha ;-)
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(1 thought | love me)
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| Thursday, November 7th, 2002
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9:14 am - Long time,no write...haha...ok.
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Im in Broadcast...of course with nothing better to do.
I tried to write in this last night forgetting how completely ghetto my computer was and it didnt work cause my computers date was like 1996 and it said I could "back date" journals....haha, it was funny...I was confused as to why the date on my computer was 96 but oh well.
Anyways...Im going blind. I have contacts but they bother my eyes but Im not gettin glasses till January.
Guys...lets see here...
Lucas- been outta the picture
Carvis- been outta the picture (in my mind anyway)
Patrick- came outta nowhere, caused alot of drama, I could still make sumthin of it if I put in effort but Im not up for that right now.
Haha, Brandon jus walked in the library, he was makin stupid kissing gestures...gross...We are cool tho so lemme stop talkin junk.
Anyways, o yah, so like the past 2 nights Ive been talkin to this one person on the phone. Its fun talkin to him, we get along good and hes someone jus completely new who I dont know well at all and I like that. The whole meetin a new person process. But its not like in a relationship kind of way at all. Atleast thats what Im tellin myself. But no for real, this a reminder to myself...JUS SAY NO...it wont be worth it. 3 very good reasons why and thats all I gotta say. I do think about him though but whats that matter I think about a lot of people and a lot of things.
I cant believe its only Thursday, this week has been the slowest week yet. But o well, 3 day weekend, and after Friday (football game) no more guard. I'm gonna have all this 3 day weekend for whatever I want.
Well theres a bunch of people in here now for some ODU meetin and I feel weird...plus I told Ms. Krause I was jus checkin out a book for a paper so I better go.
Im gonna try and use this even though it loads so slow cause of my dumbbbbbbbbbb computer. O well.
Thats all....
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(love me)
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| Thursday, October 24th, 2002
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8:17 pm
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Went to the mall this afternoon with Allie and Mallory. Tried to get black shoes but do they have them anywhere, NO!
Um...I WENT OUT WITH LUCAS YESTERDAY! He was online, I was online, he was about to go a few places, told me to come with him, and of courssssssse I went. And yah, this boy better not get my hopes up! We could have a perfect relationship, like with no Jessica disease! I can see it, FOR REAL THIS TIME. So we will see what happens...
I let Carvis know the deal and felt sooooooo horrible. But yet relieved cause I wasnt really liken him too much anyway. BUT STILLLLLLL he waited outside my 5th pd class and by my locker and stuff. UGH. I was bein kinda rude too like out in the parkin lot I walked away like 3 different times to hug my friend Joey,Patrick, and Zach. O well...haha. I AM SO HORRIBLE. If I was in his situation I would be soooooo pissed at me and very sad and mad. I cant believe hes not mad at me (which is a good thing, and shows hes a good guy) but yah...I do feel really really bad. I mean Im not jus leavin the boy for Lucas, cause nothin is even for sure with him at all, we are jus chillen as friends right now but um yah I wasnt liken Carvis anymore anyway so it was jus a good excuse.
Cause the reason, I jus dont like u anymore never works very well. It must be a girl thing, is it a girl thing?? Hm...
But um yah, when I went over Lucas's aunts house she was all like "I expected to see Jasmine" I started laughin like hm...ok, and then Lucas had like this weird grin on his face like uh huh shutup. ANDDDDDDDD his cell phone rang like 3 times but he didnt answer it but would look at the caller ID and Id be like who is it, and then hed say some girls name. GOODNESS GRACIOUS! I think theres alot of other girls in the picture buttttttt Lucas is a great guy and I know if anything did ever start back up I wouldnt hafta worry about him and other girls, hes not that type of guy at all.
Im tryin not to get my hopes up with Lucas, but I realllllllllly really like him, and its not jus a crush you know, because I know him well, I mean we use to go out. SO YAH, its like for real for real liken him. Which is a good thing, I like this feeling :-D But then again its a bad thing, thats how you get really hurt, when you for real like someone. O well...jus wish me luck!!
La de da...Im talkin to Carvis right now...poor guy...Im so evil :-(
I was hyper today, I wrestled with Tiff and Britt on my next door neighboors trampoline, it was funnnnnnn.
Goin to the Haunted House tomorrow with Tiff,Britt,LUCAS :-), Judah, and possibly Hannah tomorrow. It should be really fun and I cant wait to see Lucas :-D
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(love me)
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| Monday, October 21st, 2002
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3:39 pm
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I dont write in here as much as I have been. O well. I jus never really know what to say, so much stuff happens and so many things go through my mind I never really know how to put it all together.
Me and Carvis sat together on the bus on Sat. We held hands and stuff and I slept on him and all that sheeyit, it was cute.
Friday I had alot of fun with Allie,Brit,Mallory,and Melissa. I hang out with Brit alot and Im sure I will start to hang out with Mallory alot and we have alot of fun together. And me and Allie always have lots of fun together too cause we are so corny and love to laugh. Like today at lunch, I laughed so much and so hard that I felt sick in 5th. Yah...we jus went to the movies on Friday but it was oodles of fun, haha, ok corrrrrny. ANYWAYSSSSSSS...]
I saw Jessica there. Reminded me of old times. Im gonna hafta start "patchin" things up with her, jus dont know where to start.
Had a good talk/email with Jennifer. She stopped by on Sunday 2. I care about her alotttttt and sometimes I jus dont know how to be a good friend so Im gonna hafta work on that with her. Im gonna try and chill with her more often.
Lucas stopped by Sunday night 2. I was all up in my PJs and stuff, ugh. But he was lookin soooooooo good and bein sooooo funny and now I want him back. What is wrong with me, why did I let him go. I never know what is good for me, he was good for me, and I may have let my oppurtunity go, not sure, we will find out. Either way...I'll live, but yah, I could not stop thinking about him today!
Um...Im going over to Mallorys later to do Chemistry. I have alot to do I do believe.
What if I was to get back with Lucas? How would I ever be able to break it to Carvis??? Oh well...dont need to worry about that right now cause who knows if Lucas would even wanna give "us" another chance. Hes grounded right now for gettin suspended but Ill hafta get together with him and see whats up. I mean, he did stop by last night, that could always be a good sign? Lets not get my hopes up :-P
Im going to homecoming now. I got pressured in 2 it, boooo. O well, I jus might end up havin fun. Kinda lookin forward to it, I jus didnt wanna go cause Im to lazy to do all that preparation and stuff. We (Me,Tiff,Brit,Chrissy,Mallory,and Laura) are plannin on doing something in attempt to make the night more fun. Hehe...this should be interesting, if everything comes together anyway.
Well......
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(love me)
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| Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
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6:17 pm - People, ugh.
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Things suck sometimes if you really really think about it. I honestly hate people. I hate the way there are so judgemental, fake, annoying, mean, and superficial.
People need to get over themselves and stop thinking jus because they are different from you that they are higher than you.
This may be really harsh, but to people who judge other people on stuff thats none of their business or stuff that they dont have a freakin clue about, or chose their friends because of their "status" and even dumb things like clothes....you need help, and you might think you are so much better than everyone else now but adventually it will all come back to you and you will realize that you are is pathetic and theres no other way of puttin it. Get over yourselves and stop actin like you are something your not.
Fuck people.
And to everyone who is not like this (although we all have our moments), I love you for it. And those people would be...all my friends. Cause Im not friends with dumb bitches who fall under the above category.
Now if I could jus get my thoughts straight and figure out what I want. And if Im a big enough person to over look fuckin dumb shit and not care what people think and openly take what I want.
I jus am all the sudden feelin like people will look down on me and if they do then I shouldnt care cause it means they are fucked up but I do care...and what does that say about me? Not a whole lot....
Im so confused...I dont think anyone could understand me at this point and time. I cant even put my thoughts into words...and if I could, I wouldnt want too for fear of bein thought less of....
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(love me)
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| Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
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3:19 pm - Brrrrrr.
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IT IS SO COLD IN HERRRRE! Ugh.
I am soooooooo confused. Do I like Carvis?? I know I do, but I mean for real for real. Cause he likes me, and I know this for a fact now, and we talk alot more now and he comes to my locker and things like that so I mean he obviously wants something to happen you know.
But what do I want? I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT. I always think I know what I want until I can get it, and then I dont know what I want.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
Now I think I have feelin for Josh, wut the hell is that? Hes a freshmen for one, but I mean, hey Im not gettin in to that. Theres NO WAY I would ever act on that. Im jus sayin wut I feel. I prob only feel this way...WHY? Because it would be a chase and it seems all I ever FREAKINNNNNNNN want is a chase.
Once I get the person, who knows what will happen.
I need help.
Ughhhhhh, Carvis could be so right for me, but am I gonna allow that? Who knows.....
I jus had to get that out....
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(love me)
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| Sunday, October 13th, 2002
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7:34 pm
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"ts been a long, long road without you by my side
Why werent you there the nights that I cried?"
Im listening to my new GC cd, its great :-) Hm...Im sitten here, Im not upset or anything, Im jus thoughtful....
I want a meaningful relationship, not even necesarily a boyfriend, girlfriend thing. Jus sumthin like...I dono. I jus feel like theres something I want that I dont have.
O well :-)
I think everyone should listen to this CD. Its great, all the songs make me happy :) But I think its the reason Im in a "thinking" mood. Oh well, thats not always a bad thing.
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(love me)
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